Mr Munchlax's: Pokemon FireRed
by Mr Kokum Buyo
Summary: The Funny Side To The Story You NEVER Heard
1. Jack's First Day

Chapter 1

**Jack's First Day**

Professor Oak: Hey? you woke me up. I slept in. First of all. Are you a boy or a girl?  
Jack: Oak, you've known me for 10 years! How could you not know I'm a boy?  
Oak: Jack's a girls name too.  
Jack: That's still no excuse...  
Oak: Okay. What's your name?  
Jack: Are you a senile retard or what? You just said my name was Jack!  
Oak: We've got to do this thing by the book! Okay. My grandson is your rival on this journey. He is a cruel, sadistic brat and your arch-nemesis. Err...what was his name again?  
Jack...You don't know your own grandson's name? Some parent you are!  
Oak: Shut up! His name is Gary, all right!?  
Jack: Let's just skip this crap and get to the point where you give me my first Pokémon!  
Oak: Okay. yawn wake me in 6 hours.

(Pallet Town)  
Jack: Hey mom?  
Mom: Yes sweetie?  
Jack: Mom. I'm going on my Pokémon journey. Make me lunch!  
Mom: How 'bout I just give you KFC money? Mommy doesn't feel like making lunch right now.  
Jack: An entire journey living off KFC? I'll become a big fat bastard!  
Mom: I'm sure you'll get more money and become rich. Then you can support me in my retirement.  
Jack: Mom. I don't give a s about your retirement! That money is all MINE!  
Mom: Mind your language young man! You're just like your father!  
Jack: Father? I thought you were a single parent.  
Mom: Hun, everyone needs a daddy. I should've told you sooner. But...since you're leaving, I thought I should tell you now.  
Jack: Tell me what?  
Mom: You...were an accident.  
Jack: WHAT??? ALL MY LIFE I WAS...JUST A MISTAKE!  
Mom: I'm afraid so. I met your dad on a business trip to Saffron City. One thing led to another and...you were born.  
Jack: Oh, that's great. I was born between you and some disco lovin' pimp! That's what you get when your mother's a filthy slut!  
Mom: And so... your father didn't want to be a daddy and rejected me. I settled down here to raise you.  
Jack: Mom? I know you meant well to tell me that on my coming-of-age, but couldn't that story've waited a little longer? Ideally 'till after I'm dead?  
Mom: Oh, you won't die. You're my special boy!  
Jack: Bye mom...  
Mom: Goodbye sweetie...

(Jack leaves with a packed lunch and some KFC money)  
Jack: Son-of-a-b! My mother's a frickin' slut! I can't believe my father didn't want me... But I'm so cute!  
(Jack arrives at the lab)  
Jack: Hey Nameless Aide. Where's Oak?  
Nameless Aide: He went out.  
Jack: Oh that's just fing great! He was supposed to meet me here!

(Outside)  
Jack: Well, better check Route 1 and see if he's there.  
(As Jack takes a step forward, someone yells out to him)  
???: Stop! Don't walk in that grass!

That's the first chapter...


	2. Jack Gets A Pokémon

Chapter 2

**Jack Gets A Pokémon**

Jack: Are you addressing me, sir?  
Oak: Jack, you douche bag! You shouldn't go out into that grass! Wild Pokémon will attack you!  
Jack: Oh! A Rattata! I'm so scared! EEEEK!  
Oak: Okay, but you should still wait 'till you've got a Starter Pokémon before you go out there.  
Jack: I don't see what the big deal is! I can kick anything out there.  
Oak: Do you want a Pokémon or not?  
Jack: Yes!  
Oak: Then come with me...ass.

(The Lab)  
Gary: Hey gramps. Did you want to see me?  
Oak: Yes. I wanted to see you both, actually.  
Jack: Hey Gary.  
Gary: Hey D-face.  
Jack: You call me d-face! Have you looked in the mirror lately!  
Gary: You wanna make somethin' of it?  
Oak: Shut up, SHUT UP! Can't you two ass-holes stop arguing and listen?  
Jack: Okay...  
Gary: Shutting up!  
Oak: Good. (Points to 3 Pokéballs on a table) In these Pokéballs are your starter choices.  
Jack: Okay. Which one's which?  
Oak: The one on the left is Bulbasaur. The one in the middle is Squirtle and the one on the right is Charmander.  
Jack: Oooh. I want Charmander! He's the cool one.  
Gary: Nun-uh. I'm getting Charmander!  
Oak: You can't both have him.  
Jack: Sure we can. Haven't you read the bible? We just have to cut him in half and we both get 'im.  
Gary: Hey. Great idea. I'll get the chainsaw.  
Oak: You two are the biggest RETARDS in this city! I feel like I'm going to go insane!  
(Oak suddenly goes on a crazy old-man rampage and knocks over all the Poke-Balls)  
Jack: Oak, you retarded son-of-a-b! Now I don't know which is which!  
Oak: Hehehehe. That's the beauty of it. NOW YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHO YOU GET!  
Jack: Hmmm...I'll take this one... (picks up a Poke-ball)  
Gary: So I guess I'll take this one...  
(They throw their Pokéballs)  
Jack: Pokéball, go! (please be Charmander, please be Charmander, please be Charmander)  
Gary: C'mon out! (please be Charmander, please be Charmander, please be Charmander)  
(Out of the Pokéballs comes a Bulbasaur and a Charmander)  
Jack: GODFING IT! I GOT THE GAY ONE!  
Gary: YES! I got a Charmander!  
Jack: Hey that was no fair! I chose him first. It was rigged!  
Gary: No use crying over spilt milk. Now I'm gonna kick your ass!  
Jack: No fair! Charmander's strong against Bulbasaur!  
Gary(in a mock Mr T voice): Too bad sucka.  
Oak: (They never listen to me)  
Jack: Well, I may as well try. Bulbasaur, use Razor Leaf!  
(Bulbasaur stares blankly at him)  
Jack: Hey you stupid retard! Use Razor-Leaf!  
(Bulbasaur continues to stare)  
Gary: Ha! Now I can finish you off! Charmander, use Flamethrower!  
(Charmander stares at him)  
Jack: Haha. You can't do Flamethrower!  
Gary: Well, you can't do Razor Leaf.  
Oak: (They never listen to me. Why do they always ignore me?)  
Jack: Well...maybe he knows something else...like Vine-Whip?  
(Bulbasaur shakes his head)  
Jack: Leech Seed?  
(Bulbasaur shakes his head)  
Jack:...Tackle?  
(Bulbasaur shakes his head)  
Jack:...wait. You do know Tackle, don't you?  
Bulbasaur: Bulba?  
Jack: Well, USE TACKLE!  
(Bulbasaur charges Charmander with a full on Tackle)  
Charmander: Char...char!  
Gary: Hey! That was a cheap shot!  
Jack: All's fair in love and war and this is war!  
Gary: I've got it! Chuck, use Scratch!  
Jack: Chuck?  
Gary: Yeah. It's a nickname isn't it?  
Jack: Guess so.  
(Chuck scratches at Barry)  
Gary: Barry? That rhymes!  
Jack: Yeah. I named him after you since I hate you both.  
Barry: sniff Bulba...  
Jack: Stop ya whining and use Tackle!  
Gary: Use Scratch!

(and Barry and Chuck kept scratching and tackling for ages. Until finally, Barry was brushed against Chuck's fire-tail and burned to a crisp)

Jack: Goddit! This stupid Bulbasaur is useless!  
Oak: Hey! You have to learn to respect your Pokémon!  
Jack: But I hate it so much!  
Oak: Just get outta my lab! You two should go to Viridian City!  
Jack: Viridian City? Okay, I'm on it. Come on Barry!  
Barry: Bulbasaur.

(_And so it was that Jack and Barry set out on their long journey, risking life and limb in the first step to becoming a Pokémon Master_

Jack (crying like a sissy girl): sniff WAAAAAAAAAAA! MOMMY! I WANT MY MOMMY!


	3. On The Road To Viridian City

Chapter 3

**On the Road to Viridian City**

Jack: Well, here I am. Route 1. Nothing but Rattata's and Pidgey's aplenty.  
Barry: _Bulba. Bulbasaur._  
Jack: Not to mention my stupid new pet.  
Barry: _Bulba..._  
Jack:...Hey. There's something in this grass.  
(A Pidgey attacks them)  
Jack: A Pidgey! Alright Barry. Let's see if you can redeem yourself.  
Barry: _Bulbasaur!_

(Vs Wild Pidgey)  
Jack: Barry! Use Tackle!  
(Barry tackles Pidgey. Pidgey flies around and does Peck)  
Barry: _Bulbasaur..._  
Jack: Oooh. That looks like it hurt!  
Barry: _Bulba. Bulba, bulba saur saur, bulba_  
Jack: Tackle it again!  
(Barry tackles Pidgey. Pidgey flies around and pecks at Barry's bulb)  
Jack: Oh. If you won't play by the rules, then neither will I! Barry. Stand still!  
Barry: _Bulba?_  
Jack: Just do it!  
(Pidgey flies towards Barry, who stands still)  
Jack: Wait for it...  
Barry: _Bulba..._  
(Pidgey flies at Barry, who gets nervous and jumps out of the way at he last second. Pidgey flies smack-bang into a tree)  
Jack: Yes! Now Tackle it until you draw blood!  
(Barry tackled Pidgey until Pidgey fainted)  
Jack: Excellent. The plan was to use Barry as live fodder for Pidgey. Then Pidgey would attack Barry. Barry's natural cowardice and loyalty would make him hold til the last second. Then Pidgey would fly into the tree and become vulnerable!  
?????: Great summation young man.  
Jack: huh?

(Route 1)  
Man: For an amateur, you commanded that Bulbasaur like a Pokémon Master.  
Jack: It comes from video games mostly. But I did fine, even if I do say so myself.  
Man: You're deserving of this!  
(gives Jack a Potion)  
Jack: What is this?  
Man: It's a Potion. You can use it to heal your Bulbasaur.  
Jack: Why would I want to? I hate the little bastard.  
Man: Well, I guess you can keep it for someone more deserving.  
Jack: And you're giving me this for free? What's the catch? Nothing's free, pal.  
Man: There is one catch. I simply want you to wear this Pin.  
(He gives Jack a pin reading 'Pokémon Mart')  
Jack: Why?  
Man: It's advertising. I work at the Poke-Mart. We make shoppers wear these in exchange for 1 free gift.  
Jack: Free gift, eh?  
Man: You already got yours. That Potion...  
Jack: Was given to me out of your common decency to heal my Bulbasaur. I'm still indebted 1 free gift.  
Man: Okay. And it won't be anything like the Potion.  
Jack: Deal.  
Man: Just present that Pin at the Poke-Mart to get your gift. It also gets you a store discount.  
Jack: Great. I'll be seeing you. Come along Barry.  
Barry: _Bulbasaur_  
Man: Hehehe. Sucker.

(Near Viridian City)  
Jack: Hmm. Nearly there. Just past this groan last patch of grass.  
(As Jack strolls through the grass, he meets a boy)  
Boy: hey. You wanna do something extreme?  
Jack: If it's about gay fellatio then I've already been there.  
Boy: No. If you jump off that ledge, you can get back quicker.  
Jack: Rriiigghht. And that's supposed to be extreme?  
Boy: Yeah. Real high-risk. Extreme to the max.  
Jack: Get a life nerd-linger. The highest risk I can see, is I have to walk all the way back through the grass.  
Boy: No. I'll show you. (jumps off the ledge) See? That was totally thrilling!  
Jack: Listen... I'm going. You are the biggest waste of my life except for me. Because God hates me! I was an accident. I was never wanted. My LIFE HAS NO MEANING!  
(Jack leaves, Barry trotting at his heels)  
Boy...Godfing emo!... I'm so lonely.


	4. Oak's Parcel

Chapter 4

**Oak's Parcel**

(Viridian City)  
Jack: Here I am in Viridian City. I better head to the Poke-Mart for my free gift.  
(Jack walks over to the Mart)  
Clerk: So you're the new guy, huh? Hurry up, you're late!  
Jack: Huh? Must be a limited deal.

(Poke-Mart)  
Clerk: Alright, here's your first job.  
Jack: Job? Whaddya mean, job?  
Clerk: You gotta deliver this package to Professor Oak.  
Jack: What, that old bastard? What does he want 'em for?  
Clerk: How should I know? I just supply them.  
Jack: But I'm wearing the pin. I am entitled to a free gift!  
Clerk: Free gift? Haha. That's a good one, kid. Now hurry up!  
Jack: That god-fing S-O-B! He set me up!  
Clerk: You want free gifts? Do that job and I'll give you your free gift.  
Jack: Errr...okay.

(Outside)  
Jack: That fin' clerk ! Thinks he can...huh?  
(outside, there were several policeman surrounding an area covered in police-tape. People were all staring and talking. Sirens were sounding everywhere)  
Jack: What the hell's going on?  
Officer Jenny: A man was just murdered.  
Jack: Really?  
(Jack sees in the centre of the police tape, a dead man with a long, purple dagger with jewels covering the hilt sticking out of his stomach. Blood was everywhere)  
Jack: Oooh. Youch. Kids, look away. This is strictly PG-13!  
Jenny: Hey kid?  
Jack: Yeah?  
Jenny: Does that Bulbasaur know sleep-powder?  
Jack: What, Barry? He's useless. He's a Level 7 frog-plant named after my nemesis!  
Jenny: Oh. 'Cos if he did, we could use him to dust this place for prints.  
Officer Freddy: Ma'am, that wouldn't work.  
Jack: Yeah. Barry is far too weak to track down a murderer.  
Freddy: No. It's because this was the work of the Cultist Phantom.  
Jack: Who's that? A Klu Klux Klan mascot?  
Freddy: No. He is a serial killer. He is named as people have only ever seen a purple ghost cloud whenever they witness the killings. He leaves no visible prints. He has been turning cities into ghost towns for weeks. He is unstoppable.  
?????: It's just superstition, Freddy!  
(A girl dressed in a cop outfit showed up)  
Jenny: Cindy's right. The Cultist Phantom is just a guy with access to a chemical factory. We already have suspicions of Mr Fuego, of Fuego Chemicals.  
Freddy: Okay. But no normal person could make stormy weather simply by using chemicals.  
(Jack looked up. The sky had suddenly turned black and cloudy)  
Cindy: It's true. Everywhere the Phantom goes, there is stormy weather.  
Jack: Errr...why did you suddenly start yapping about a serial killer just because of my Bulbasaur?  
Jenny: You said you don't like him. Perhaps once he learns Sleep-powder, you can give him to the Police Force.  
Cindy: That Bulbasaur looks familiar...  
Jack: It's a freakin frog-plant-thingy! They all look the same.  
Cindy: Nooo...did you get that Bulbasaur from Prof. Oak?  
Jack: Yeah. How did you know?  
Cindy: 'Cos I got my Squirtle from the same place. I was planning to start my Pokémon Journey, but my mom wants me in the Police Force.  
Jack: Feh. My mom's a horny slut, but I don't follow in her footsteps. You have your own life.  
Jenny: I just think it's safer...  
Cindy: Hey? Weren't you carrying a box?  
Jack: Yeah. If I deliver it to Oak, I'll get a gift.  
Cindy: Well, you better go.  
Jack: Why?  
Cindy: 'Cos someone just swiped it.  
Jack:...S!  
(Jack called Barry into his Poke-ball and ran after the crook)  
Cindy: Mom? Shouldn't we help him? We are cops, after all.  
Jenny: You go, dear. Mommy's working here.  
Freddy: Who wants donuts and coffee?  
The Cops: ME!ME!ME!

(Route 22)  
(two figures in white were standing outside the Pokémon League gate)  
Jessie: So, what did the boss want this box for?  
James: Beats me. But a job's a job and for once, we got it right!  
Jessie: It's just...why did we have to steal it simply to...steal it?  
James: Jessie, just shut up with your bing! Pickup will be here soon.  
(Jack runs up behind them)  
Jack: GIMME BACK MY FING PACKAGE!  
Jessie: (S!)


	5. Battle of the Bastards

Chapter 5

**Battle of the Bastards**

Jack: GIMME BACK MY FING PACKAGE!  
Jessie: (S)  
(They turn around and see Jack)  
James: Oh. It's just a kid. Haha Hahahahaha.  
Jack: Hey, I know you! You're that pack of losers from the TV shows.  
Jessie: No. We happen to be the 'definitive' Jessie and James.  
James: We became famous in the late 90's. They wanted us to appear on the TV show. We did a couple of episodes before they hired stars to play us.  
Jack: D Hollywood bastards.  
Jessie: Meh. Crime is more fulfilling.  
Jack: Speaking of which...GIMME BACK MY FING PACKAGE!  
Jessie: Let's battle for it.  
Jack: No fair. I only have my weak little minion.  
James: Too bad. Go Koffing!  
Jessie: Ekans! Attack!  
(An Ekans and a Koffing appeared from the Pokéballs)  
Ekans: _Ekanssss_  
Koffing: _Koffing_  
Jack: Normally I wouldn't, but since there's a free gift at stake...go Barry!  
(He threw the Poke-ball, releasing Barry)  
Barry: _Bulbasaur_  
Jessie: Ha! You're outnumbered!  
Jack: I guess I can try...Barry, Tackle attack!  
Barry: _Bulbasaur!_  
(Barry tackled Koffing who bounced into a wall)  
Koffing: _KOFF...ing_  
James: Koffing, no!  
Jack: Koffing yes! I guess you do have potential Barry.  
Barry: _Bulba!_  
Jack: NOT! I made you think you were being complemented.  
Barry: _Bulba..._  
(suddenly, Cindy ran up)  
Cindy: Team Rocket! Give yourself up!  
James: Why the hell do they keep sending 10 year olds to catch master criminals like us?  
Cindy: The real cops didn't think you were worth their time. What with the Cultist Phantom going around.  
Jessie: Oh please, not that stupid serial killer. He's just a nerd who vents his frustration on killing people.  
James: And we won't come quietly. (we gotta shake these brats before pick-up shows)  
Cindy: If that's the way you want it...go Sammy!  
(Cindy throws a Pokéball. A Squirtle comes out)  
Sammy: _Squirtle!_  
Jack: Sammy? That's a stupid name.  
Cindy: So is Barry.  
Jack: You're darn right. He's stupid like a fox!

(Double Battle. I'm going to put this in paragraph form)  
James gave Koffing a Super-Potion and Jack was forced to use his own Potion on Barry. "You really don't deserve this" he muttered. "Ekans, use Wrap!" cried Jessie! "You take Ekans, I'll take Koffing" said Cindy, "Sammy, use Bubble on Koffing!". "_Squirtle, squirt. Blublublub_" said Sammy. He blew several Bubbles at Koffing, who was shaken by the attack. "Barry, use Tackle!" ordered Jack. Barry jumped out of Ekans wrap and tackled him hard. "_Ekansssss_" it groaned. "Ekans, fight back with Poison Sting!" Jessie said. "Koffing, use Smog!" said James. The two Pokémon attacked Barry and Sammy brutally. "Sammy, use Withdraw!" cried Cindy. Sammy pulled inside his shell to avoid inhaling the smog, but Barry was left to face the music. "Barry, take it like a man!" shouted Jack, kicking Barry. "_Bulba.._ groaned Barry sadly. "Stop it!" Cindy yelled, "Barry's trying his hardest! You don't have to be so cruel!". "STOP YOUR BING!" Jack yelled back, "I never wanted that stupid thing. He was just a mistake. Just...like me". Barry heard the slight break in Jack's voice and suddenly perked up. He suddenly shot a seed out of his bulb, which landed on Koffing. Vines began to appear around Koffing and started draining his power. "Oh no. That's Leech-Seed!" cried Jessie. "Koffing, shake it off!" Koffing struggled, but Sammy used this chance to hit him hard with Bubble. "_Koffing!_ Koffing flew into James and Self-Destructed in his face. James was blown into the wall, bleeding to death.

(Route 22)  
Jessie: AAAH! James!  
James: groan...Jessie...take...the package.  
(James gives Jessie the package, but suddenly sirens are heard)  
Jessie: S! The fuzz!  
Jenny: Team Rocket! Come out with your hands up!  
James: I would, but I can't find them.  
(As Officer Jenny arrived, Cindy jumped into a bush)  
Jack: What are you doing?  
Cindy: You may be a jerk, but you're right about one thing. I have my own life and I can't hang on to my mother. I'm going on a journey.  
Jack: Yeah, you do that.  
(A cop car pulls over)  
Jenny: Hand over that package!  
Jessie: Ever noticed how everyone's name starts with 'J'?  
Jenny: Just give it.  
Jessie: But what about James? He's internally wounded.  
Jenny: What James? I only see you.  
Jessie: Huh?  
(Jessie turns around to find that James is gone. A TR helicopter is flying away with James)  
Jessie: You traitors! What about me?  
(Jack grabs the package and runs off)  
Jack: I GOT THE PACKAGE! I GOT THE PACKAGE!


	6. A Journey Proper

Chapter 6

**A Journey Proper**

(Pallet Town)  
Jack: Hey Oak, I got you your package!  
Oak: Hey! It's that custom Pokéball I ordered.  
Jack: What the f did you want that for? You're just a retired old man.  
Oak: This one is different...  
(He opens the Poke-ball and music starts playing)  
Jack: It's a fing music box!  
Oak: Technically, it's a music ball.  
Jack: I ran all the way to Route 22 to get that back and it was all for a fing music ball!  
Oak: And here's your reward.  
Jack: Reward? Cool.  
(suddenly Gary and Cindy come in through the door)  
Gary: Hey Gramps. You asked for us?  
Jack: What are those two bes doing here?  
Cindy: Yeah. What are us two bes doing h...HEY!  
Jack: Hee-hee.  
Oak: You two bes are here because you're all due for a Pokedex.  
Jack: What's a Pokedex?  
Oak: It's a Pokémon encyclopedia. You use it to look up Pokémon you're unfamiliar with. It also acts as a record for the Pokémon you've seen and caught.  
Gary: I'm gonna catch 'em all.  
Jack: Yeah you do that. I'm just gonna conquer the League. It's easier.  
Gary: Oh yeah? Not if I get there first!  
Jack: Bring it on, b!  
Cindy: And I just want to travel with Pokémon to spite my mother.  
Jack: Yeah. A mom in the law department is crap. Having a mom in the prostitute business can affect your sexuality...  
(suddenly, Tom Cruise and Glenn Quagmire appear on Jack's shoulders)  
Quagmire: Hey kid. That Cindy chick's got fine buns. Go take a bite. Giggety-giggety.  
Tom Cruise: No. Set yourself apart. Take the old man! Bite his buns!  
Jack: Not now guys! Stupid consciences. Why can't you be angels and devils like normal mini-apparitions?  
Tom Cruise: Because we all know your angel died 6 years ago.  
Jack: Oh yeah. Now that was a summer to remember.  
Gary:...uhhhh. Jack? Who are you talking to?  
Jack: MIND YOUR OWN FRICKING BUISNESS!

(Pallet Town)  
Jack: These Pokedexes aren't so bad. They tell you all of a Pokémon's weaknesses so I know how to kill Barry.  
Cindy: Can't you go one chapter without insulting Barry?  
Gary: Yeah. I thought I was the mean one.  
Jack: Screw you dheads! I'm off on my journey!  
(Jack walks off, but suddenly stops and turns around)  
Jack: Wait. Aren't you gonna ask to come with me?  
Cindy: Why would we want to.  
Jack: That'd be what normally happens.  
Gary: Take a hike Jack. And I mean that literally.  
Jack: But we're friends.  
Gary: Since when?  
Jack: Since always.  
Gary:...Excuse me. I'm going to go commit suicide.  
Cindy: Wow. That looked like it hurt.

(Route 1)  
Jack: Stupid Gary. Thinks he can deny our friendship.  
Tom Cruise: That's what I'm saying. There's a bond there.  
Jack: Stop showing up in my life! Stupid gay thoughts.  
(Jack sees a fainted Pidgey on the ground)  
Jack: Oh my god! It's still there?  
Pidgey: cough splutter  
Jack: It's waking up. I'd better catch it!  
(Jack threw a Poke-Ball)  
Poke-Ball: Wobble, wobble, wobble. Ding.  
Jack: Yes! I caught me a Pidgey!  
Barry: _Bulbasaur!_  
Jack: Get lost you!

It was the Pidgey from Chapter 3


	7. Jailed!

Chapter 7

**Jailed!**

(Viridian City)  
Jack: Here I am. Now to claim my gift.  
(Jack goes up to the Mart to find it surrounded by police-tape)  
Jack: Hey! What's wrong.  
Bystander: The clerk just got murdered.  
Jack: sniff But...my gift.  
Jenny: Hey you! Stop in the name of the law!  
Jack: Huh?  
Jenny: You're under arrest! (puts the cuffs on Jack)  
Jack: Hey! What are you doing?  
Jenny: Freddy, read him his rights!  
Freddy: Jack Lionel, you are charged with filling a little girl's head with hopes and dreams leading to her running away from home. You are also charged with committing severe assault on one James Rocket and extreme profanity in a Pokémon based fan-fic. You have the right to remain silent. You will be placed under trial and your lawyer will vouch for you in a court of law. If you cannot afford a lawyer, then one will be appointed to act on your behalf. Do you require any form of aide?  
Jack: Answering blows my first right, but...can I have a lemonade? It's 89 degrees out here.  
Jenny: Shut up and get in the paddy wagon!  
(Jack spits in her face)  
Jenny: Gross. You little bastard!  
Jack: Officers! Place that woman under arrest!  
Jenny: Don't be smart with me!  
Jack: Uh-uh-uh. You have the right to remain silent.

(Jail House)  
Jack: Jail sucks! I feel like my own feces are watching me.  
Jenny: Keep it down in there convict!  
Jack: Convict? I haven't even been convicted yet. I'm just awaiting trial.  
Jenny: Answer me! Where did you send my daughter?  
Jack: I don't know! Last time I saw her, she was getting a Pokedex. She said she was going on a journey simply to spite you.  
Jenny: Where did she get the Pokedex?  
Jack: I don't like snitching, except on Gary. I will never talk!  
Jenny: Fine. Have it your way.  
Jack: Huh?  
(Jenny turns the lever on the heating switch)  
Jack: Oh no! It's getting hotter! A dude's worst nightmare!  
Jenny: Tell me where she got the Poke-Dex!  
Jack: okay. It was Oaks Lab in Pallet town. She should be at Viridian by now.  
Prisoner: BOOOOO. KILL THE SNITCH! KILL THE SNITCH!  
Jack: Shut up Rick! This doesn't involve you!  
Jenny: Okay. You're free to go.  
Jack: Thanks.  
Jenny: PROVIDED you pay a fine of $50 to make up for your swearing.  
Jack: Oh (reaches into his pocket) well let me just get another one of my... GO PIDGEY!  
(Jack releases Pidgey)  
Pidgey: Kukuroo.  
Jack: Fly my Pidgey! Fly!  
(Jack grabs onto Pidgey, who flies off with him)  
Jack: See you in hell, suckers!  
(Pidgey quickly tires out and drops Jack on the electric barbed wire security-fence)  
Jack: OUUUCH! SON OF A B!

(Viridian City)  
Gary: Darn it! Jack's probably reached Viridian Forest by now!  
Cindy: Maybe if you didn't stop to take that 40 minute long pee.  
Gary: Ah women. So uncaring and unknowing of a man's pain.  
(Cindy b-slaps Gary across the face)  
Gary: Ouch. What was that for?  
Cindy: You were being sexist.  
Gary: Why do women always do that? If something doesn't go their way, they just slap you.(gets slapped again)  
Cindy: Hey look! What's that?  
(They see Jack running down the street towards them being chased by cops)  
Jack: THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!  
Cindy: S! It's even worse. It's my mom.  
Jack: No, the British are definitely worse.  
Gary: RUN!  
(the trio race towards Viridian Forest, trodding on a grumpy old man)  
Grumpy Old Man: OUCH! Crazy drunk pedestrians!


	8. Viridian Forest

Chapter 8

**Viridian Forest: Capturing Kakuna and Mini-Me**

(Route 2)  
Jack: Stupid pigs! Now they want my blood just 'cos I break a few forum rules.  
Gary: And no warning. So unprovoked.  
Cindy: With you guys breaking the 4th wall all the time, it's a wonder we made it this far without being sued.  
Jack: What's a 4th wall?  
Cindy: I'm not telling. I don't want you guys getting ideas above your head.  
Jack: Fine. Have it your way, b!  
Gary: Okay. I came prepared, unlike a certain idiot we could mention.  
Jack: How so?  
Gary: I brought a Town Map.  
(Gary unfolds the map of Kanto)  
Jack: Wow. That's one big town.  
Gary: Yeah...cough retard.  
Cindy: Okay. We're on Route 2. We just head up thru Viridian Forest, then on to Pewter City.  
Jack: Why Pewter City?  
Gary: To get the 1st badge, numb-nuts.  
Jack: Why do I need a badge?  
Gary: Groan. You don't even KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?  
Jack: Well go on then. What do I need badges for.  
Gary: The objective is to travel across Kanto, going to various cities and competing in Gym battles. Defeating a Gym leader earns you a badge. Once you have 8 badges, you get to challenge the Pokémon League. Win that and you're a Master.   
Jack: Why can't we just go to the league first?  
Gary: Take on the League with a level 7 Bulbasaur and a Level 5 Pidgey?  
Cindy: Let's just make it through Viridian Forest.

(Viridian Forest)  
Jack: God. This place is spooky and dark and full of bugs.  
Gary: i think the Bug-Catchers are more annoying.  
?????: Hey! Don't diss bugs!  
(A bug catcher arrives)  
BC Jeremy: I was tracking a Scyther and you scared it off! I'm gonna battle you.  
Gary: See what I mean? All over the place.  
Cindy: I'll handle this.  
Gary: No. You and Jack have both fought real battles. I'm gonna show you what Chuck can do.  
Jeremy: Go Caterpie!  
Gary: Come on out, Chuck!

(Rocket HQ)  
James: Groooaaaan. Where am I?  
?????: He's coming too.  
James: Who's there?  
Grunt: It's me. Your trusty Rocket pal, Grunt.  
James: Hey Grunt. What happened?  
Grunt: Your Koffing had a lot more power than you think.  
James: That's good.  
Grunt: No, not really. When it used Explosion on you, it drained all its power.  
James: That's bad.  
Grunt: But we managed to save it.  
James: That's good.  
Grunt: But we couldn't save you.  
James: That's bad.  
Grunt: The blast was so powerful, both your legs have been destroyed  
James: That's good...oh wait. That's bad isn't it?  
Grunt: Oh, ya think. You've been demoted, and decapitated, while Jessie has been discharged and detained.  
James: Huh?  
Grunt: That means that you have lost both your legs and have been brought down to the rank of Lesser Grunt, while Jessie has been arrested and thus, fired.  
Jessie: Is that good or bad?

(Viridian Forest)  
Gary: That was easy. And Chuck is now Level 8. He knows Ember.  
Cindy: Sssh! We're entering the deeper parts of the forest.  
(The gang creeps through the woods. Several Metapod and Kakuna are hanging from branches)  
Jack: Don't make a sound. We might wake them.  
Gary: WHAT!?  
(Suddenly, the Kakuna and Metapod wake up)  
Cindy: Gary, you idiot!  
(The Kakuna and Metapod use Harden)  
Jack: Hah. They can only use Harden. This one's in the bag.  
(Suddenly, A Kakuna falls on Jacks head)  
Jack: OOOOWWW! That hurts like hell.  
Gary: Wuss. Go, Chuck!  
Chuck: _Charmander_  
Jack: Go Barry!  
Barry: _Bulbasaur_  
Cindy: Go Sammy!  
Sammy: _Squirtle_  
Gary: Chuck, use Ember!  
Jack: Barry, use Leech-Seed!  
Cindy: Sammy, use Bubble!  
(The three attacks broke upon the cocoon Pokémon swarm)  
Jack: That was too easy.  
Gary(holding up a Poke-Ball): It'd been easier if you'd caught one.  
Jack: For crying out loud! I wanted that!  
Cindy: Wow Gary, that was fast. Which one did you get?  
Gary: A big, fat Level 6 Kakuna. Close to hatching.

(Back at the entrance)  
Jeremy: Alright Scyther! Now I've got you!  
Scyther: _Scyther!_ (jumps away in fear)  
Jeremy: Darn it! Who scared it off now?  
(suddenly, a black cloud rolls over the forest. A hooded person walks into the forest)  
Jeremy: Huh? Who are you?  
(suddenly, a knife is thrown)  
Jeremy: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

(Back with our heroes)  
Jack: I think skipping all the Bug-Catcher fights is stupid. Wouldn't the readers want to read about what happens in each battle?  
Gary: I think it is a smart idea. Those fights are boring anyway.  
(they find a large berry-tree)  
Jack: OOOH! I want some Razz Berries. I'm hungry.  
Cindy: What's that?  
(A Pikachu is blasting berries from the tree)  
Gary: Oh yeah. Sometimes, Pikachu live in these trees.  
Jack: Look at that awesome power. I have to have it.  
Cindy: Awwww. It looks so cute.  
Jack: Go, Barry!  
Barry: _Bulbasaur_  
Jack: Use Leech-Seed!  
(Barry fired a Leech-Seed at Pikachu. Pikachu dodged and jumped out of the tree)  
Jack: Wow. Great dodging power.  
Pikachu: _Pikachuuuuuu_(blasts Barry with a Thundershock)  
Jack: Oh! And it has such awesome power. It reminds me of me. I know! I'm will call him... Mini-Me.  
Gary(snickers): Hee-hee.  
Jack: What? What's so funny?  
Gary: Mini-me is Doctor Evil's midget sidekick in Austin Powers 2 and 3.  
Cindy: He was so funny. And Doctor Evil treated him like a baby.  
Gary: Don't forget Fat-Bastard.  
Jack: Well, let's pretend I never heard of that movie. Barry, use tackle!  
(Barry Tackles Mini-me. Mini-me is knocked back)  
Min-Me: _Pikachuuuuuu_(uses Thundershock)  
Barry: _Bulbaaaa_  
Jack: Barry, take that one. Hit it with Leech-Seed!  
(Barry hits Mini-Me with a Leech-Seed. Mini-Me struggles but manages to hit Barry)  
Cindy: I don't think Barry can take that many hits.  
Jack: Of course not. He's just fodder, to wear out Mini-me.  
Gary:...please. Don't call him that. You'll be laughed outta the forest.  
(Mini-Me leaps at Barry for a finishing Slam, but is drained of its last power by the Leech-Seed)  
Jack: Pokéball, go! (Hurls a Pokéball at Mini-me)  
(Mini-Me is sucked into the Pokéball. It wobbles twice, before Mini-me breaks free)  
Jack: Aargh. Almost had it!  
Mini-me: _Piika pika pikachuu!_ (fires a powerful blast at Gary)  
Gary: OOOWCH! Slapstick is not my thing.  
Jack: Oh Mini-me. I've got to have you. I've already wasted one of my balls. Lets see if I can finish it with the second...ball.  
(throws a Pokéball. It hits Mini-me and begins to wobble)  
Jack: C'mooon. C'mooon.  
Gary: Break his balls! Break his balls! Break his balls!


	9. Finally, A Plot! Kinda

Chapter 9

**Finally, a Plot...sort of…**

Poke-ball: Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.  
Jack: Come on, Mini-Me! I want you!  
Gary: Break his balls. Break his balls.  
Jack: Shut up! People have been seeing and posting and quoting.  
Gary: I just want your balls to break.  
Jack: They have. Haven't you ever seen "Craziest Home-Videos: Nutbusters"?  
Cindy: As much as I hate to interrupt such an intelligent conversation...THE BALL HAS STOPPED WOBBLING!  
Jack: Sorry...I zoned out. Was it a ding or a nut-buster?  
Cindy: A ding. God, you're stupid.  
Jack: Yes! I caught Mini-Me!  
Gary: Don't let that thing near the Name Rater. He'll tear you apart.  
Jack: He would if he wasn't a pre-programmed computer-sprite.  
Cindy: How could we possibly forget?

(Rocket HQ)  
(Grunt and an unknown man were talking via video-phone)  
?????: So Jessie and James failed to retrieve the Pokedexes?  
Grunt: Yes sir. They got pwned by some kids on Route 22.  
?????: You say "pwned?" Get real Grunt. This isn't an Internet fan-fic.  
Grunt: You would be surprised...  
?????: No bacback talk I want you to track down those Pokedexes.  
Grunt: But sir...the Pokedexes weren't in the package. It was...just a music ball.  
?????: You mean "music box".  
Grunt: If I had meant "music box", I would've said "music box". We screwed up. Oak got the Pokedexes 2 days earlier and ordered the "music-ball' as a decoy. He knew we'd try to steal it.  
?????: Really? It seems the old man is smarter than we thought...

(Oak's lab)  
Oak(drops a beer-can on the sofa): Errr...it was Sadaam Hussein!

(Rocket HQ)  
?????: What did he do with the Pokedexes?  
Grunt: Our mole on the inside says that he simply gave it to some kids. The very same kids who defeated Jessie and James.  
?????: Well, this certainly is amusing. That buffoon Oak doesn't even realize their worth. Doesn't he understand why Rowan sent them to him in secrecy?  
Grunt: The old man has been off his rocker lately. Maybe he thought it was a late Christmas present.  
?????: Either way, I want you to send someone to get those Pokedexes back.  
Grunt: I know just the guy. He's tracking the kids through Viridian Forest as we speak.  
?????: What, that stupid Cultist? He's far too unreliable.  
Grunt: Yes, but he's developed quite a reputation. I'm sure the very sight of him will instill fear in the little brats.  
?????: I'm well aware of his...talents. But he's a loose cannon. He must not know how important this job is! If he were to find out, he would demand much more pay. Pay which I cannot afford to give to my assassins!  
Grunt: Yessir.  
?????: Okay, you have your orders. ????? out! (hangs up)  
Grunt: Err...sir?  
?????: (comes back on screen) Yes?  
Grunt: What's with the ?????. Why can't you say your real name, or at least some sort of cool code-name? You know, like in the spy movies?  
?????: We could do that, but I'm too important a character. As a plot-device, my true identity can't be revealed until the kid finds me.  
Grunt: "Until the kid finds you?" How can you say that when you've just sent your strongest assassin after him?  
?????: Point taken. How about I change my code-name every chapter?  
Grunt: Good idea. I'll upload your first code-name. It's coming up on screen now.  
?????: Okay. Today, you will call me...  
(the words 'Mr Cookie' appear on screen)  
Mr Cookie: Is this some kind of joke?   
Grunt(snicker): Teehee. Don't ask me. It's all randomized letters sorted into the closest word match.  
Mr Cookie: Just because of a scrambler, I have to go the whole chapter being called 'Mr Cookie'?  
Grunt: Well that's not so bad, Mr Cookie. The chapters already over.  
Mr Cookie: Thank god...


	10. Pokédex Power

Chapter 10

**Pokedex Power**

Jack: Mini-Me. Welcome to the team.  
Mini-Me: _Pika_(climbs on Jack's head)  
Jack: Ow! Hey! HEY! Get off my head!  
Gary: I think it wants to ride.  
Jack: Well, why didn't you say so. C'mon boy.  
Barry: _Bulba!_  
Jack: No, no, no, no. Mini-Me rides shotgun. Barry rides back seat.  
Barry: _Bulbasaur_  
(Mini-Me suddenly shoots a lightning bolt at Barry)  
Barry: _BULBA!_  
Jack: No. Mini-Me. Leave Barry alone. It's not like he has feelings.  
(Mini-Me glares at Barry and gives him the finger)  
Gary: Hey Cindy! What's takin' you so long?  
Cindy: I found something in the Pokedex.  
Gary: Lessee...  
Cindy: It's info on all the Pokémon we caught. Here's Barry.  
Pokedex: _Bulbasaur. The Bulb Pokémon. Bulbasaur are known for their large bulb on their backs..._  
Jack: Well obviously...  
Pokedex: _...This bulb has been known to grow until it blooms into a beautiful flower. But it is so heavy, the Bulbasaur usually breaks its back two days later_  
Gary: Weird. I didn't expect it to say something like that...  
Cindy: What do you expect? Oak made it.  
Gary: Let's see Chuck!  
Pokedex: _Charmander. The Fire-lizard Pokémon. Charmander's tail is a symbol of its life span. If the tail were to go out, Charmander would die..._  
Gary: Ooh. That's bad.  
Pokedex: _But, since none have ever died like this, it is believed that they carry umbrellas on their person at all times_  
Gary: Is that true, Chuck?  
Chuck: _Charmander_ (unfolds a pink umbrella)  
Jack: Ha-ha! Its umbrella is pink! Chuck is gay!  
Gary: Shut the f up!  
Pokedex: _Squirtle. The Tiny-turtle Pokémon. Squirtle spend all their days relaxing in ponds and are very lazy..._  
Cindy: Well, Sammy's not lazy.  
Pokedex: _...Squirtle can get very fat from their inactivity, until the shell bursts and shards go flying in everybody's eyes. Trainers are advised to wear eye-protection at all times when handling fat Squirtles._  
Cindy: Why do these things keep predicting Pokémon's deaths?  
Jack: Hark! Do I smell a running gag coming!?  
Gary: Well, try Jack's Pidgey.   
Pokedex: _Pidgey. The Pigeon Pokémon. Pidgey have been commonly referred to as 'feathered rats' due to being the most common Pokémon besides Rattata. They usually die..._  
Jack: Oh boy, here it comes...  
Pokedex:..._a happy, normal death. But due to their commonness, no one really cares. Their droppings are said to contain..._  
Jack: I think that's enough of Mr Blabbity-Box.  
Gary: C'mooon. I wanna find out about Kakuna.  
Pokedex: _Kakuna. The Cocoon Pokémon. Kakuna cover themselves in string and leaves until it hardens into a cocoon. It waits until Level 10 before hatching..._  
Gary: Only Level 10! That's great.  
Pokedex:..._But since they only know one attack and can't move on their own, this proves to be extremely difficult. Most die from lack of oxygen. And even if they do hatch, they will still die as a Kakuna._  
Jack: Deaths. More deaths. I bet this is Oaks idea of a joke.  
Cindy: Hang on. We haven't tried Mini-Me.  
Pokedex: _Pikachu. The electric mouse Pokémon. Pikachu are the official Pokémon species mascot and have even earned a place as number 15 on the top 15 greatest cartoon characters list. They have incredibly powerful electric cheeks and are also very lazy. Often ride on their owner's shoulders due to a cowardly fear of the Poke-ball. When they release electricity, their owner's hair may catch fire_  
Jack: Sniff. Is something burning?  
Gary: At least it didn't mention death.  
Pokedex: _And, they often die of over-charged electricity._  
Cindy: You had to say it, didn't you?


	11. Assassination!

Chapter 11

**Assassination!**

Bug Catcher: Weedle, use Poison Sting!  
Jack: Mini-Me! Thunder-shock!  
Mini-Me: Pikachuuuuuu!(Mini-Me zaps Weedle)  
Gary: Y'know. Battles are really lame when a Pokémon only knows 2 attacks.  
Cindy: Or when you only have one Pokémon.  
Gary: Not my problem. You should catch something other than Sammy.  
Cindy: I know. But none of the Pokémon here interests me.  
Gary: How 'bout Mt. Moon. It has some okay Pokémon. Geodude and Zubat for example.  
Bug Catcher: Awwww man. My Weedle was Level 9!  
Jack: And Mini-Me is only level 6. You got pwned bad!  
Gary: Hey Jack! This isn't the Internet! Talk like a real person, ya nerd!  
Jack: You're a nerd! You're an uber noobie nerd :P!  
Cindy: What? What did he just say?  
Gary: Beats me.

(Meanwhile, in another part of the forest...)  
?????: Phantom! Come in! This is your leader!  
(The hooded man is talking through a cell-phone)  
Phantom: Yeah, boss?  
?????: Your targets should be at the end of the forest.  
Phantom: Okay errr... what's your codename again?  
?????: sigh Timmy Twinkle-toes.  
Phantom: Hahahahaha! I knew what it was! I just wanted to hear it again!  
Timmy Twinkle-toes: Hey! It's those bastards in admin! They keep pulling jokes on me and I can't do anything, because they're too irreplaceable.  
Phantom: Yeah, sure. Hey, why do you need me, your most powerful assassin, to hunt down three bratty kids?  
Timmy Twinkle-toes: Because they're carrying something very valuable. And your methods are the best to prevent damage.  
Phantom: I throw daggers at people from behind. How does that make me better?  
Timmy Twinkle-toes: Because the rest of my men shoot and take. Too risky.  
Phantom: Okay. I'll catch them as they leave. Phantom out! (hangs up)  
Timmy Twinkle-toes: Timmy Twinkle-toes out! (hangs up)

(Back with our heroes)  
Jack: Yes! After 3 chapters in this goddam forest, we're finally at the exit.  
Cindy: Good. Next up is Pewter City.  
Gary: And at Pewter City, there's the first gym.  
Jack: I'm gonna beat it before you!  
Gary: Dream on sucker! That badge is as good as mine.  
(The Cultist Phantom creeps up behind them. He activates a special chemical, causing a dark cloud to roll in overhead)  
Phantom: Hehehe. Love that effect.  
(A purple dagger appears in a puff of smoke. The Phantom throws it at Jack)  
Jack: Oooh! A penny! (bends over to pick it up. The dagger flies over him)  
Phantom: Dammit! Curse you pennies! Curse you!  
Jack: Hey! Don't you be dissin' the pennies!  
(The gang turn around and see the Phantom)  
Gary: Uhhhh... can we help you sir?  
Phantom: I'm the Cultist Phantom. I've been hired to exterminate you!  
Cindy: Alright, hands-up! (reaches around to grab a gun, but then remembers she's not a cop anymore)  
Cindy: Loops! I forgot the gun.  
Jack: Oh. Of all the things to forget!  
Phantom: Now! (another dagger appears) prepare to die!  
Gary: Who sent you?  
Phantom: My boss, Timmy Twinkle-toes.  
Jack, Gary and Cindy:...hahahahahahahahahaha!  
Phantom: Yes...that's what they all say. (throws dagger)  
Jack: AAAAH!  
(Mini-Me jumps up and blasts the dagger with Thunder-shock)  
Phantom: Dammit! I didn't bring my full team of Super-Pokémon. This'll have to do!  
(Phantom sends out a Growlithe and a Scyther)  
Growlithe: Growl. Groooowlithe!  
Phantom: I got this one from my old job as an attack-dog-trainer  
Scyther: Scyther. Scythe!  
Phantom: And I got this one from a stupid Bug-Catcher, trying to catch it.  
Gary: Go Chuck!  
Cindy: Go Sammy!  
Jack: hey. What about me?  
Cindy: You fought that Bug-Catcher. Now it's our turn.

(Double Battle. Vs. Scyther and Growlithe)  
Gary: Chuck! Use Ember on Scyther!  
Chuck: Char! Char! (Fires at Scyther)  
Phantom: Dodge!  
(Scyther quickly dodges and comes behind Chuck)  
Gary: Oh my god! That was so fast!  
Phantom: Now, use Slash!  
(Scyther slashes Chuck)  
Gary: Darn. Cindy, your turn!  
Cindy: Sammy, Bubble Attack!  
Sammy: Squirtle, squirt! (Bubbles Growlithe)  
Growlithe: Grooooowwwl!  
Phantom: You're good. Growlithe return! (recalls Growlithe)  
Cindy: You're outnumbered Phantom! It's Chuck and Sammy versus your Scyther.  
Phantom: Yes. But Scyther has Speed and power...  
(Scyther slashes Sammy. Chuck hits Scyther from behind with Ember)  
Scyther: Scytherrr!  
Phantom: ...which it uses to make up for its poor defense.  
(Scyther struggles to get up)  
Cindy: Wait a minute...  
(Cindy throws a Pokéball at Scyther. Scyther is caught!)  
Cindy: Yes! I got Scyther.  
Phantom: What? I...you...but...how?  
Cindy: You stole Scyther. Law states that people can steal stolen Pokémon.  
Phantom: That doesn't make sense.  
Cindy: Meh. I used a Gameshark.

(Viridian Forest)  
Pokedex: Scyther. The Praying Mantis Pokémon. Scyther use their sharp scythes to slice up their prey. They have been known to get their scythes stuck in trees, leaving these rare Pokémon at the mercy of traveling clowns  
Cindy: That last part doesn't make sense...  
Gary: Either way, it's still funny.  
Phantom: No. I lost!  
Cindy: Alright. You're in our mercy now.  
Phantom: Wait... I came to kill you, not to battle!  
(Phantom prepares to hurl a dagger at them, but is stopped by a powerful vine)  
Jack: Barry! Use Vine Whip!  
Barry: Bulbasaur! (whips the Phantom)  
Phantom: Dammit! Where'd you come from?  
Jack: I was training my Pokémon while you guys were fighting.  
Cindy: I was wondering where all the stupid insults went.  
Jack: Oh, it speaks. That was crap.  
Gary: Uh...guys. Where'd he go?  
(the gang turn to see the Cultist Phantom has fled)  
Cindy: Coward.  
Jack: Forget him. We have an appointment with...Pewter City!


End file.
